


Hey You, Yeah, I'm Talking To You

by revenblue



Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: Breaking the Fourth Wall, Gen, Norm doesn't appear but the story's about him in a way, Norm has two fathers, POV Third Person Omniscient, the Narrator sasses Heinz into being a better father to his son
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-27
Updated: 2020-12-27
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:15:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,746
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28350756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/revenblue/pseuds/revenblue
Summary: "Withthis, myNarration-inator, I'llhearthe narrator say whatyou'reabout to do, and then I canusethat knowledge to defeat you and take over as rule of the Tri-State Area."
Relationships: Heinz Doofenshmirtz & Norm, Heinz Doofenshmirtz & Perry the Platypus, Norm & Perry the Platypus (Phineas and Ferb)
Comments: 14
Kudos: 32
Collections: Perryshmirtz Secret Santa 2020





	Hey You, Yeah, I'm Talking To You

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Thinker109](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thinker109/gifts).



Another day, another scheme from one Doctor Heinz Doofenshmirtz, another thwarting he'd once again fail to see coming.

His plan was simple. Build inator, trap nemesis, monologue, and then, through some means he'd figure out when he got there, he'd take over the Tri-State Area. The usual routine. A routine that inevitably ended with his defeat, shortly after said nemesis _escaped_ the trap, but that hadn't stopped him trying.

Heinz Doofenshmirtz was a very _trying_ man, as it turned out.

Meeting the level glare of his nemesis, level in every way but literally as he in fact towered over the caged platypus, Heinz began his monologue. "Do you ever wonder if there's anyone telling stories about you?" he began, hands clasped behind his back. "Like a- a _narrator_ , always _following_ you, talking about your life for some unseen _audience_. I mean I know _I'm_ pretty sure they're _there_ , so, behold!" To accompany this dramatic pronouncement, he gestured at the inator behind him, as usual for this stage of his monologue. "With _this_ , my _Narration_ -inator, I'll _hear_ the narrator say what _you're_ about to do, and then I can _use_ that knowledge to defeat you and take over as rule of the Tri-State Area."

That his nemesis, one Perry the Platypus, did not roll his eyes at this was a true test of will for the agent. He'd heard many a similar proclamation of assured victory before the man's inevitable defeat, why should this be any different?

And it wouldn't be. Heinz's commitment to petty Evil, and to its side effect of his nemesis visiting him every day, was too great. Thus-

"I can hear you, you know," Heinz said, in his _outside_ voice, having blasted himself in the face with his inator while the Narrator wasn't looking. "Yeah, I'm talking to _you_ , Voice In The Sky. Are you _always_ this much of a jerk or am I _special_?"

"Not always," the Narrator said, a tone of amusement in its voice. "The Narrator is usually much worse."

Pinching the bridge of his nose, the way his poor nemesis often had to while dealing with his poorly-thought-out schemes, Heinz let out a sigh. " _You're_ no help. I mean, all I'm asking you to do is tell me what Perry the Platypus will do so I can defeat him and take over the Tri-State Area, is that really so much to ask?"

Yes, yes it is.

Perry the Platypus, waiting in the usual cage across the room, for once didn't take advantage of his nemesis's distraction to escape, despite the opening Heinz had _clearly_ left for him to do exactly that. One might almost think Heinz didn't want to take over at all. Either way, Perry didn't take the opportunity, instead attempting to follow the half of the conversation he _could_ hear, brow furrowed.

"And I thought _Norm_ was useless," Heinz muttered, this time in his _inside_ voice, quiet enough to give his nemesis the plausible deniability to say he hadn't heard. Although, of course, Perry had. This was not the first time Heinz had expressed such a sentiment.

To think a man like Heinz, who had been through so much from his own parents, would treat his own son that way-

"He's not my _son_ ," Heinz interrupted, a loud and vehement denial of the truth lying deep in his heart, as if he wanted to make sure his son could hear him from the next room over. "And _you_ , stop that. He's just a _robot_ , he doesn't _have_ feelings. Just malfunctioning circuits, that's all it is, so you can stop acting like you _care_."

Mere paces away, Perry could do nothing but watch, discomfort leaving him rooted in place as his nemesis ranted. He'd come to know the man well in their time as nemeses, but even _he_ hadn't expected this level of vitriol.

Heinz rolled his eyes in the Narrator's general direction, arms firmly folded like a petulant child, his back to his still-unmoving nemesis. "Oh, so you think you know my _nemesis_ better than I do, huh? Is _that_ what this is about? Go on, tell me something I _don't_ know about him. I'll wait."

Hearing this, Perry winced, as he was the type to put the _secret_ in _secret agent_. No one else needed to know about his habit of sneaking ice cream in the middle of the night.

"Is that true, Perry the Platypus?" Heinz demanded, turning back to his nemesis, and Perry hung his head in shame. "I hope you at least use a _bowl_." To which he received no answer, the clearest sign of guilt. "You don't? How _could_ you, that's- I mean, unless you live _alone_ \- not having to share is the one advantage of- You don't, do you." It wasn't a question. The answer was obvious, at least to Heinz: that Perry lived at OWCA HQ.

And yet, as bad as Perry's crimes against cohabitation were, _he_ wasn't the one ignoring his son at best and mistreating his son at worst. That was-

Oh wait. Perry does that too.

Heinz turned back to where he thought the Narrator was, frowning. "What are you trying to say, Voice In The Sky? Does Perry the Platypus have a _family_? I mean, he just doesn't seem the _type_ ," he said, as if he was an expert in families. "What's _that_ supposed to mean, huh? I _know_ what _family_ is, I _have_ one." The parents he can't bring himself to give up on? "By which I mean _Vanessa_ ," he clarified, "my _daughter_ , she's all the family I need."

This, however, was not quite true, as Perry was well and truly part of his family by this point, in that nebulous space between _nemesis_ and _co-parent_. As was their son, Norm.

"I _told_ you," Heinz groaned, pout intensifying like that could make the Narrator's comments any less true, "I'm not his father. And neither is Perry the Platypus, because Norm doesn't _have_ a father. It's not like he's a _person_." And Perry is? Or Heinz himself, for that matter, ocelot that he is. "Norm's a _robot_. Who runs on _squirrel power_ , might I add, and he can't even do _that_ properly."

And so on, for entirely too long. The Narrator stopped listening after a while, as none of it meant anything, and turned its attention to the room's other occupant: Perry the Platypus, still frozen in place in his cage.

Perry stared into space now, seeing nothing, utterly lost to thought. Him, a _father_. The idea had an odd sort of appeal. And to be a father to Norm in particular, with whom he already had a bond of sorts, cemented during that inadvertent game of catch, well. It was all too easy to imagine.

Guilt and jealousy twisted in Heinz's gut-

"No it _didn't_ , so _shut it_."

-as he turned back to his inator, searching at platypus-height for the usual self-destruct button. One would think he'd know exactly where he put it, but late-night inventing had clearly taken its toll on his memory once again.

Heinz snorted, not buying it. "Maybe if _you_ stopped hiding it on me," he muttered, just loud enough for the Narrator to hear, and instantly found the button under his hand. Pushing it, he shielded his eyes from the inator's explosion, breathing a quiet sigh of relief as the Narrator's voice faded from his mind shortly after. "Much better."

Yes, yes it is.

Remembering his still-frozen nemesis at last, he let out another breath. Perry had seen, and more importantly _heard_ , that entire conversation. If it could be called a conversation in the first place. More of an argument, really.

Either way, the inator was destroyed now, so there was no point in Perry staying. Running his hand over his face, Heinz opened the cage.

Perry continued to stare, motionless. A _father_...

"You should go, Perry the Platypus," Heinz said, sounding as exhausted as he felt. He'd forgotten how it felt to have to defend himself verbally, his nemesis not being much for talking. If he was honest, he preferred what he had with Perry, punches to the face and vital organs included. Perry never told him he was _wrong_.

Sure, Perry may roll his eyes more than the average person at Heinz's many schemes and plots, but his exasperation carried a deep abiding fondness. Heinz would realise that, one day.

For now, unsettled by the implications of the Narrator's words, and struggling to deny the truth of them, Heinz wanted nothing more than to hide under his blanket for the rest of the day while he pulled his thoughts and shattered worldview back together. Alone. Alas, it was not to be.

Perry, moving at last, stepped forward, taking Heinz's hands in his own, a gesture long since familiar to the both of them. Tugging gently, he brought the man to his knees and thus closer to Perry's eye level, then tried for a smile that said more than words ever could. Everything was clear to him now. Fatherhood, while never something he'd sought for himself, felt _right_.

But only if Heinz would be right there by his side, every step of the way.

How could Heinz refuse his nemesis? He couldn't, not without disappointing the one person who had ever truly believed in him. Flexing his fingers in Perry's grip, he swallowed, giving his nemesis a hesitant smile. "O-okay, if you think so. We can be his- we can call him our _son_."

Perry's only response was to lean forward and into Heinz's chest. A hug, of sorts, as much as he could without letting go of the man's fingers.

And they all lived happily ever after. Especially Norm, now that both his fathers were actually, finally, fulfilling their fatherly duties, giving him the life he'd always dreamed of. That it had taken so long to happen was a shame, but there's only so much a clue-by-four can do to a head as hard as that of one Heinz Doofenshmirtz.

"So," Heinz said eventually, in a voice thick with emotion, "what do we do now?"

Wasn't it obvious? Perry stepped back, still not releasing his hold on Heinz's hands, and pulled the man to his feet. They had to tell Norm the good news. But that's another story, for another time.

Here and now, they walked off into the metaphorical sunset, fingers intertwined. And lived happily ever after.

...The Narrator already said that, didn't it? Oh well.

**Author's Note:**

> (Do not expect a sequel to this.)
> 
> It's a little late, but uh, merry crisis? XD ~~Writing this was a crisis for sure, as was titling it.~~


End file.
